What is your Why?

Imagine that you decide to go on a walk. You might pack a bag with essentials like water and take some snacks for the road. But what would happen if you didn’t decide on a direction in which to go? You might end up confused, and going around in circles, or end up somewhere that you didn’t expect to be. Trying to figure out how to live your life (how to fix a problem or make a choice etc) before you really decide who you want to be is a bit like going on a journey with no clear direction.

This metaphor encapsulates the importance of values. If you haven’t thought about your values it’s a bit like not having planned a direction in which to travel: you could more easily end up lost or frustrated. Spending a bit of time on planning your journey might sound time-consuming but at the end of the day you will be committed to where you are going and much more able to navigate any hurdles in the way.

So what is a value?

The short answer is anything that gives you a sense of meaning. Viktor Frankl’s 1946 book called Man’s Search for Meaning chronicles his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps. He highlights how the people who were most likely to survive were not necessarily the healthiest or strongest but those who were able to create meaning in the midst of the horror e.g. through the completion of tasks, caring for others or through facing suffering with dignity.

Russ Harris describes values as “our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people and ourselves. Values are what we want to stand for in life, how we want to behave, what sort of person we want to be, what sort of strengths and qualities we want to develop.” When the things we do and the way we behave match our internal values, we are more likely to feel fulfilled and content, even when external factors are outside of our control. When the being and doing do not align with our values, we tend to feel as if things are wrong and this can be a source of unhappiness. For that reason, values are at the core of our sense of self and well-being, and deserve our consideration.

Values are not goals

Often when we try to think of values we end up coming up with a list of goals, which isn’t surprising when our culture is so achievement-orientated. However, values are less about accomplishments and more about what qualities we want to embody as we go through life. Goals are about the things that we do whilst values are a way to be. They not only explain how but also why we make the decisions we do. By connecting goals to our deeper values, our goals leave us feeling more fulfilled.

Values are not feelings

Whilst we may long for certain states such as happiness, peace or even being pain-free, a value can never be a feeling. Our feelings are in constant motion so making a feeling our value is unworkable. It can keep us feeling trapped and avoiding states like discomfort which are often necessary in order to move in meaningful directions. Questions to uncover the values underlying feelings may include “what have you been doing when you felt most relaxed?” or  “how have you behaved when you felt most happy with yourself?”

Values are about you

Values are not about other people but about how you personally choose to conduct yourself and show up in the world. For all of us, but especially those in more marginalised groups, there can be toxic cultural messages about what values we should and shouldn’t hold, and these can be stifling and restrictive. By turning inwards and listening to ourselves rather than relying on the opinions, wants and needs of others, we can gain clarity about what we want to stand for rather than how we want to come across to other people. The need to justify our values to others becomes less significant, and we can more intentionally choose how we respond to societal pressures from our families, communities or culture.

Values are not fixed

Whilst values run deep and require a level of consistency and ongoing action, values can shift and change as you move through life. They are not rigid. An example may be someone who valued risk-taking strongly in their twenties who begins to value stability as they grow older. At times of transition, revisiting values can help us to decide which we need to let go of and those still important to us but which perhaps we need to embody in a different way. For instance someone who lived their value of creativity through their career as a graphic designer may choose to pursue gardening as a creative hobby in retirement. To avoid feeling oppressed or constrained, acceptance and commitment therapy asks us pursue our values vigorously but hold them lightly.

How to get there

A good place to start is to look through one of the many values lists that are available on the internet such as this one here which can be played as a card sort. While not exhaustive, lists can help to prompt and clarify our own values. By highlighting the values that feel more important, we can fine-tune the list to those that resonate the most deeply.

Once you have a short list, set aside a quiet space in order to reflect deeply through the what, how and why of the value as you would like to enact it in specific areas of your life. For instance if adventure is an important value (why), you may choose to take adventurous holidays (what), by researching where you want to go then saving for it (how), or in your romantic relationships you could find out about new sexual experiences (how) and explore these with your partner (what).

Conflicting values

There are times your values will contradict or pull you in different directions. Living by your values could put you in conflict with those closest to you or mean that your path looks different from those around you. However, turning inwards at these times can help you to clearly understand your most important values, to care less about the things that you are missing out on, and to make those really tough decisions.  

However, there may also be times that two values feel equally critical. Rather than giving up on values altogether, the answer may instead be to look for compromise or negotiation: to find a way to create balance. One common conflict occurs around wealth versus spending quality time with your family. You could compromise by working shorter hours or negotiate for flexible hours in order to be available in the evenings when your family are home. It may mean that you work more in the early mornings or late evenings, but knowing why you are making a choice to do that means that you don’t feel despondent about it.

At times, one value may need to take priority over another, for instance, you may accept slower growth for your business in order ensure that sustainability remains a core value. In relationships, the practice of being willing to give to get can also be helpful.  For instance, you could ensure that you make time to care for your children in order to allow your partner to pursue a values-led activity in return for guilt-free time to pursue your own.  

In relationships with others, being willing to negotiate and communicate is key, however, a relationship where one person’s values are regularly met whilst another’s is constantly undermined may highlight deeper interpersonal difficulties that require setting boundaries or seeking mediation. We also need to acknowledge the systemic factors that can get in the way such as abuse, discrimination and poverty. These require more thought and are harder to overcome. These situations may require taking smaller steps, seeking assistance from organisations and charities geared to help with particular issues. In the longer term, for those with the time and energy, lobbying to create change on a societal level can be a great way to bring activism into values.

Bringing values to life

Knowing your values helps you to make clear choices about the directions you choose to take. Whilst there will inevitably be blocks and hazards to living a meaningful life, defining your values can act as a compass to guide you and keep you on track, sometimes in making difficult choices, or setting tough boundaries. When you know why you are making the decisions you make, even where they involve compromise with others, you rarely feel resentful or hopeless.

Values help you to achieve purpose, fulfilment, and a life more congruent with the person you want to be, and the difference this makes can be empowering and magical.