Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries

 “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Brené Brown

When you hear the word “boundaries” you may think of a fence, door or wall. But boundaries can also be psychological and refers to our rules of engagement with those around us. You can have personal boundaries with partners, children, friends, family, and associates, or professional boundaries for those you work with and for.

I think of healthy boundaries as both protective in helping us to maintain our self-respect, and also connective in that they enable the building of fulfilling relationships with others. To be able to set boundaries you need to be clear on what you are (and are not) willing to accept. As such, spending time contemplating our individual boundaries, and developing the skills to set them effectively in our lives can help us to recognise that we matter and to know ourselves at a core level.

Five years ago, Dr Pooja Lakshmin, published a seminal article on boundaries and it is at the heart of her new book, Real Self-Care. In both, she rejects the short-term relief and tyranny of “faux self-care” such as yoga, bubble-baths and massages for the tougher but enduring solution of figuring out what we need to build a life we value: one that we do not need to escape from.

According to Dr Lakshmin, real self-care is a verb not a noun. She describes a boundary as taking the time to pause and reflect in order to understand what you need and want: the what, the hows, and the whys. And then you can break the choices down to three options: you can say yes, you can say no, or you can negotiate. Key to making this decision is understanding both the short- and long-term pros and cons of the choice. Whilst a choice may seem easier and quicker in the short-term, the longer term repercussions of either saying yes to something that, for instance, over time you come to deeply resent, or saying no to something that, perhaps, results in missing important opportunities are significant.

Entering into negotiation is often the more difficult but most effective option. It’s about understanding the needs of the other people involved and balancing those against your own. It’s about investing the thought and time to have real, honest communications, and trusting in yourself and the relationship to tolerate the discomfort that arises. Many of us didn’t develop this skill growing up, and learning how to clearly and assertively communicate our needs, to listen and validate others whilst also maintaining our self-respect can feel difficult, particularly if we struggle to emotionally regulate or feel overburdened.

However, it’s the consequences: real and imagined, that can stop us in our tracks. Shaming “shoulds” and “musts’ created either by our own exacting standards or the wider systems and culture we are part of prevent us from working on boundaries. In the book, Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forwood and Donna Frazier coined the acronym FOG to describe the powerful trio of fear, obligation and guilt that can keep us stuck. Examples of this are the fear that declining a work meeting because you have too much to do could impact your career, an obligation to go with your friends to a nightclub when you hate loud music and crowds, or the guilt for not turning up to watch every school production your child is in.

Whilst we know that trying to numb or block emotions doesn’t work, the trick to getting “out of the FOG” is to bring curiosity to our experience: to challenge the validity of these emotions and underlying thoughts. Toxic messages are everywhere. Those relating to domestic labour are challenged by Eve Rodsky in the book Fair Play, where she highlights the importance of changing attitudes: it “start’s with the act of becoming conscious – developing an awareness of how you think” and, as a result, feel and act. The goal is not to stop feeling but to turn down the volume and reframe the emotions as one factor - that may just need to be tolerated or discussed rather than acted on - within a much wider perspective that incorporates your values and needs.

 “Sure – it means something - but it doesn’t mean everything” explains Dr Lakshmin. Once you have created space from those feelings, she advocates “collecting data” on how different activities, relationships and situations land in your body. Which leave you lighter, more expansive, energised? Which leave you feeling dread, resentment or anxiety? Whilst evidence gathering can also involve consulting those around you, Lakshmin advises us to be wary of who you listen to and allow to influence your decisions.

Setting boundaries is an assertion of power. As such, setting boundaries will always be harder for those within systems of oppression who hold less sway. This includes any marginalised group e.g. women, those who come under the LGBTQIA+ banner, racialised groups, those with less financial or social support resources, and those with severe and enduring physical or mental health difficulties. There may be genuine risks to setting boundaries, and it can feel like saying no or even negotiating is not an option.

Dr Lakshmin talks about allowing yourself to feel the anger at this unfairness and to seek the support of others who will validate that rage. Then she suggests channelling that energy: find a time when your “nervous system is not in panic mode” to figure out if, within those impossible situations, there are spaces where micro-changes are possible or small boundaries can be set. She also advises to plan ahead for any adverse consequences that setting a boundary may bring, whether that’s to update your CV before insisting on a pay rise at work, or to create an escape plan before confronting a partner about their abusive behaviour*.

It may help to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist to brainstorm ideas or shortcuts. Another option may be to get in touch with some of the great organisations that exist to advise and support people experiencing different forms of oppression. Whilst this may feel like more work at a time when your resources are already overstretched, what we do know is that staying in an impossible situation long-term is unsustainable and can lead to severe and adverse consequences for yourself and loved ones such as burnout, unsatisfactory relationships, or stress-related health problems.

Ultimately setting boundaries is about reclaiming power. It’s about advocating for yourself, putting yourself in the picture, and saying I matter. When you set boundaries, you set them for yourself and focus on what’s important to you. And yet, in doing so, you can inspire others who may be in a similar position to you, and by challenging the status-quo in new and creative ways, contribute to change on a wider systemic scale.

*This is, of course, unless you or others are in immediate danger in which case please seek support from national emergency services. In the UK you can do this by dialling 999 from your mobile or a landline.